Jobs! And growth!

Jobs and growth and jobs and growth and jobs and growth and jobs and growth and jobs and growth!

Got it? 

Not since Mark Latham incessantly vowed to "ease the squeeze" so we could all "climb the ladder of opportunity" in 2004 has a piece of election sloganeering sounded as discordant as jobs and f---ing growth does (perhaps with the exception of Tony Abbott's daft daily warnings of a "debt and deficit disaster" in 2013).

What makes jobs and growth feel like sulphuric acid being poured into the ears is not the message itself, after all economic growth and higher employment sound like perfectly reasonable areas to focus on; it's the fact Malcolm Turnbull and his ministers repeat it 60-plus times a day.

This is plainly insulting coming from the man who said "We need advocacy, not slogans" as a justification for tearing down Tony Abbott, king of the three-word byte.

Clearly Malcolm Turnbull reckons there's never been a more exciting time to bash voters over their heads with a catch-phrase. But the worst of it is that we're in for eight weeks of hearing "jobs and growth".

According to my preliminary observations, it appears Coalition cabinet ministers (there are 22 of them) are currently calibrated to regurgitate the line no less than four times every hour. Allowing each of them eight hours  sleep per day, that means jobs and growth will be uttered more than 86,000 times between now and polling day. Who wouldn't be pumped about that, eh?

Of course this general election business requires at least two to play and the ALP, the Greens, minor parties and independents all like to blurt out a slogan or two once their cosy jobs come up for review by the Australian public. The result can be an excruciating  campaign.       

This is not entirely the fault of politicians; the echo chamber of the Canberra press gallery plays a key role in stoking the fires of feudalism, jargon spouting, going completely over the top with hyperbole, and dumbing down debate.

To help you stay informed (or drunk) until it's all over, here's a cut-out-and-keep explanation of various election campaign catch-cries, weasel words and cliches that will be on high rotation. It can also be used for drinking games during nightly news bulletins. Simply scull whenever you hear one of the following:

Cash splash:  Oddly enough, cash never makes a splash; it either produces a pleasant tinkling noise (coins) or makes or a fluttery, shuffling kind of sound when polymer banknotes are involved. "Cash splash" is a nonsensical term used by major parties to deride their opponents' proposed spending. When speaking about one's own expenditure, it's "investment".

Pork barrelling: No, this is not a phrase that describes surfing pigs pulling into tubes at your favourite secret spot. Pork barrelling is the semi-corrupt, widely overlooked allocation of public money to electorates contingent upon them voting a certain way. Whenever you hear the term pork barrelling, think "electoral bribery".

Efficiency dividends: These are savings that result from reductions in government funding to public sector organisations. Another way to describe efficiency dividends would be "sacking public service workers". Alternatively, "efficiency dividends = not jobs growth."

Revenue measures: Umm ... taxes, but only when speaking of one's own tax plans. For some reason a political opponent's "revenue measures" are always described as a "tax hike", even though it's hard to imagine what a nice bushwalk with some ATO staff has to do with anything. Alternatively "a great big thumping new evil tax on everything" is perfectly permissible.

"I don't accept the premise of your question": Used by politicians to deflect a perfectly reasonable question for which they have no reasonable answer: "Minister, why did you spend three years in opposition whipping up hysteria about a so-called budget emergency when you appear sanguine about the fact your own budget forecasts deficits as far as the eye can see?"

Minister: "Errr, um, look ... I don't accept the premise of your question."

Budget black hole: This is a weird place in the cold, far outer reaches of the election campaign. Basically it's a tear in the space/time/money continuum where tens of billions of dollars can simply vanish. Or can they? Strangely, major parties can only see back holes in their opponents' figures. "There's an $80 billion black hole in your budget!"

"No way! There's an $80 billion black hole in your budget!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

 Some astrophysicists theorise that black holes are linked by worm holes to budget deficits that already exist in a parallel universe in the distant future.

Costings: Another word for "counting". You can either do it or you can't. A calculator helps. Costings do not apply in black holes.

Mums and dads: The most worthy of all taxpayers, mums and dads are just, just ... so darned special. This is why both major parties single out mum and dad operators, mum and dad investors and just plain old mums and dads when selling various policies to the wider population. Mum and dad refugees? Hmmm, not so special apparently.

Rip (out): This is a term used by all politicians to describe the re-allocation of money by an opponent from one area of public spending to another. Should a minister decide to direct more funds to, say, vocational training at the expense of certain schools programs, then that minister will be said to have "ripped billions out of education!" It's the same as me "ripping $30 out" of my weekly petrol budget to spend it on a pair of shorts instead.

The modelling: Also known as sausage meat. Everyone knows that economic modelling - particularly when framed amid political warfare - is entirely subjective. Not to mention edible! Few will forget former treasurer Joe Hockey's characterisation of the National Centre for Social and Economic Modelling as being "like a sausage machine ... I want to see what goes in that sausage machine."

Lucky you're out of the country and out of politics, Joe, 'cos there certainly won't be anything to savour over the next eight weeks. Eight weeks! I reckon there's never been a more exciting time to tune out.